Character rankings: New Girl
The best characters in the FOX sitcom, New Girl, ranked in ascending order. Pretty straight-forward:
23) Paul Genzlinger — Justin Long
There is basically no one in Hollywood I “get” less than Justin Long. I can’t think of a single movie or TV show that I wasn’t thoroughly disappointed in him in (Zack and Miri Make a Porno being the possible lone exception). The only strong point of his New Girl cameo was all the nicknames Nick, Winston, and Schmidt continually gave him.
22) Fawn Moscato — Zoe Lister-Jones
Schmidt’s councilwoman girlfriend wasn’t bad, but she wasn’t great either. Lister-Jones did a decent job with just a not great role. There’s only so many times you can say, “Councilwoman, Fawn Moscato” before it gets old.
21) Russell Shiller — Dermot Mulroney
Better known as “Fancyman,” Mulroney’s Russell seemed pained at times to be around the New Girl gang. This is probably understandable given the collective arrested development of the six-some, but it’s just not a fun look on a show that leans into the look so hard.
20) Sam Sweeney — David Walton
Another ex-boyfriend of Jess, no wonder she keeps wanting to go back to Nick, she’s been stuck with a bunch of duds throughout the show. Sweeney was certainly not lacking in the handsome department, but was more of a wet blanket than anything in his time on the show.
19) Reagan — Megan Fox
A solid cameo from Fox, this ranking could rise if she does indeed stick around the show in Season 6, which begins to air this evening, September 20.
18) Principal Foster — Curtis Armstrong
Super hit-or-miss, Principal Foster has legitimately funny moments (“Hello, Dog”), but he’s also pretty rough when the jokes don’t land. Middle of the pack seems right for his ranking.
17) Caroline — Mary Elizabeth Ellis
Nick’s ex who haunts him on and off through the first couple seasons, I’m always a fan of Ellis’ work. Honestly, the two have awesome on-screen chemistry, and I wouldn’t mind seeing her in more than the six episodes she has appeared in total.
16) Elizabeth — Merritt Wever
The whole “Schmidt used to be fat, isn’t that funny?” plotlines of New Girl aren’t really that funny, and are pretty cringe worthy, in fact. Considering Elizabeth is a casualty of those plotlines, she ranks fairly high, which speaks to her ability to turn a poor role into a decent showing. She truly seems like a kind and funny person, and one that Schmidt might have ended up with if he just wasn’t quite as shallow.
15) Fred — Taran Killam
Easily the best cameo on the show. Killam is only in one episode as the absurdly boring date for Jess, who loves his parents. The final scene of the episode where he dances to the instructions of Aly and Winston is effing hysterical.
15) Nadia — Rebecca Reid
Honestly, could be even higher, we’re getting into good characters here. Her entrance into the show was the best, when describing what she liked about America, “I like salad bar, despicable me, tosh 2.0, connect 4, freedom of speech, David Fincher, sidewalk, I like 1800 slim, yo momma jokes, strawberry, Wilma Valmamama, Leon J. Panetta, ice skating for fun, not to save life.” The appearance of sidewalk snuck in there is gold.
14) Remy — Jeff Kober
I haven’t heard Rusted Root’s “On My Way” used to such perfection since Matilda. Remy may only appear in three episodes but damn does he make the most of them, with a few of those scenes (dancing flute playing, unwanted threesome-ing) being among the most memorable in the entire show.
13) May — Meaghan Rath
The only thing holding May back from a higher ranking is that she had to go and steal away Coach from the show. (And yes I am aware that is just a plot device.) It also doesn’t hurt that I have a massive crush on Rath in real life.
12) Bob Day — Rob Reiner/ 11) Joan Day — Jamie Lee Curtis
Both of Jess’ parents are played to perfection by the insanely talented Reiner and Curtis. Their best moments come when they play off each other, but Curtis’ kitchen lovefest with Nick gives her the advantage in this Battle Royale.
10) Aly Nelson — Nasim Pedrad
Extremely excited for more of Pedrad’s Aly in Season 6. The dedication on her part to jokes is elite. When Bishop asks her for a drink and she takes a legit minute humming and hawing is brilliant.
9) Outside Dave — Steve Agee
Like Principal Foster, but with a higher hit rate, Outside Dave is pitch-perfect when the jokes land. The scene with him shaving Schmidt’s legs in the loft is just awesome.
8) Robby — Nelson Franklin
Certainly the best punching-bag-turned-groomsman in the history of TV, Franklin’s Robby is one of the best characters in the show’s run. Whether he’s dressed up as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle for Halloween, planning Cece sabotage with Schmidt, or going a bit too far with his groomsman toast, Robby is on point the entire time.
7) Tran — Ralph Ahn
A picture is worth 1,000 words.
6) Jess Day — Zooey Deschanel
The titular character, Deschanel’s Jess is actually low man on the totem pole when it comes to the Big Six. Since she is the main character, she has plenty of hilarious lines throughout the show’s run, and I know she is a lot higher on many people’s lists. But for me, she just doesn’t quite do it comedically. At least to the level these others do. That being said, her scene showing off the car when she takes over for Cece as a model is one of the show’s top five moments in the entire series.
5) Schmidt — Max Greenfield
Another character who most would have a lot higher (a lot of folks I discuss this with actually have him first), but like Barney on How I Met Your Mother, it’s just a bit much for me. Don’t get me wrong, I quote Schmidt nearly as much as anyone else on TV these days, and he practically mainstreamed the bro tone of voice he uses (“ALL DAY”), but he’s always turned up to 11, when it’s nice to be at 6 or 7 every now and then.
4) Cece Parekh — Hannah Simone
My candidate for the most under-appreciated character on the show, just imagine New Girl without Cece. That’s a whole lot of dudes, and not much balance. Along with Nick and Schmidt, she is the only actor to appear in every episode of the show, and that’s no coincidence. Her friendships with first Coach and then Winston are always spot on, and some of the best representation of the classic “significant other of your friend who then becomes one of your best buddies” feeling.
3) Coach — Damon Wayans Jr.
Wayans absolutely slays wherever he goes, so it shouldn’t be surprising that he braggadocio role of Coach is one of the best. (“Could anyone else wear this much green, and still look dope?”) Wayans is also the perfect balance to Winston, a dynamic the shows uses brilliantly throughout the seasons they are both on screen.
1A) Nick Miller — Jake Johnson/1) Winston Bishop — Lamorne Morris
It literally kills me inside to rank Nick anywhere but first, but Winston Bishop is simply the King of New Girl. What Morris has done in transcending the boundaries of weird with his character, Winston Bishop, is nothing short of miraculous. Morris has reached that point where a character has so much comedic clout in the show that I laugh at whatever he says, guaranteed. Of course, Johnson’s Miller is in that category as well, but I just laugh a bit louder at Morris. Two of the all-time greats, though. No doubt about it.
