Premier League 2016–17 predictions
We are officially less than 24 hours away from the Premier League. Which means these predictions are less than 24 hours away from being 100 percent wrong! What a time to be alive. We looked at some of the in-league transfers, and best, worst and surprising units earlier this week, but with games starting Saturday, it’s time for the most fun part of the preseason. Guessing the end-of-season table. Here we go. From top of the table to bottom, here’s the bulletproof, 100 percent correct, place $1 million on it, predictions for the 2016–17 Premier League season:
1) Manchester United
This hurts me more than it hurts you. But picturing de Gea making a world class save, spinning and outleting to Luke Shaw on the flank, who finds Paul Pogba in the middle of the pitch, who sends an inch-perfect long ball over the top to Zlatan Ibrahimovic is about as terrifying as Wayne Rooney’s hair plugs. Plus, add Jose Mourinho to that spine and that’s trouble for everyone else in the Premier League. The good news is I can see the Mourinho Meltdown just two and a half years in the horizon. Right as Spurs core is hitting their peak…
2) Tottenham
It’s always hard to write about one’s favorite team without emotion, and after an emotionally draining (and exhilarating) 2015–16 season, that’s even harder for a Spurs diehard. The club has as much talent and is as fun to watch as they have ever been in the last half-century, but they are still incredibly young, especially in the midfield and on the flanks. However, this team could’ve been right there in the title race if not for a late collapse. Now they are all a year more experienced, and they really didn’t lose any big pieces. If it wasn’t for the beast we just saw, I’d like this incredibly fun crew to lift the cup.
3) Manchester City
If I thought Kun Aguero could stay healthy for 90 percent of the season, and if I thought Yaya Toure could stay engaged 90 percent of even a single game, I’d take City to win the league in a walk. As is, Pep Guardiola and Kevin De Bryune are enough to take third, even with Joe Hart’s crazy pre-game tunnel tactics.
4) Arsenal
It’s hard to imagine a team with Alexis Sanchez and Mesut Ozil finishing outside the top four, but at the same time, it’s hard to imagine a team with Olivier Giroud as their only true striker finishing any higher. (Just ignore the whole second place finish last year…) Of all the Big Six teams, Arsenal seems to have one of the highest floors, but lowest ceilings. If this is indeed Arsene Wenger’s last season, a fourth place finish would be fitting.
Love,
A bitter Spurs fan
5) Stoke City
If you cryogenically froze a Stoke City fan in 2012, and awoke them just in time for the start of the 2016–17 season, they might well have a heart attack. It would be like going to bed as Donald Trump and waking up as Emma Watson. The midfield that once consisted of five men who looked like the crew of The Black Pearl, now looks like the cast of Black Swan. I could go on, but the point is bone-crunching Stoke has become sexy, sexy Stoke. And that’s great. Watching Gianelli Imbula, Xherdan Shaqiri and Marko Arnautovic make magic on the pitch is delightful. The only thing keeping this team from the Champions League is the lack of a pure striker.
6) Chelsea
Through Match Week 13 last season, Chelsea had four wins, seven losses and two draws. They sat in 15th in the table, and were just three points above the relegation zone. From then on, however, they won eight, lost five and drew 12 — not exactly setting the world on fire (especially towards the end) — but a lot better. Now with Antonio Conte in tow, and no split time in Europe thanks to the 10th place finish, expectations are actually rather high. However, expecting bounce back seasons from all the guys they need seems a bit much. They’ll be better no doubt, but a top four spot seems high. Plus, giving the dreaded sixth spot (having to compete in the Europe but in the Europa League, not Champions League) to Chelsea is too fun an idea.
7) Liverpool
This is one of the hardest teams to get a read on. They seem primed for a step forward under Klopp, but honestly look at their roster and tell me that’s better than any of the other Big Six rosters. Another team that seems a year or two, or maybe more accurately, a move or two away.
8) Middlesbrough
I like this team. A lot. Probably too much. But if every single preseason Premier League article this year demands a “Who could potentially Pull A Leicester” section, here’s mine. Boro has the defensive unit that allowed Leicester to hold on down the stretch after their red hot start. They’ve got Victor Valdez and Brad Guzan both available in net, and allowed the fewest goals in the Championship last season and that’s before bringing in defensive midfield master, Marten de Roon. They have big name (if not always big producing…) attacking talent in Alvaro Negredo, Gaston Ramirez, and Viktor Fischer. And they even have Stewart Downing in case you were worried they didn’t have the classic “Veteran Premier League Player.” Buy stock in these boys.
9) Leicester City
Just ask any European dictator what happens when you fight a war on two fronts? Leicester doesn’t have the depth to make a Champions League run while also maintaining their spot in the top four. Given how rare it is that a team of Leicester’s financial backing makes the Champions League, I’m guessing they’re going to sell out for the Champions League, hurting their bottom line in the Premier League.
10) West Ham United
The team I believe has the highest ceiling-to-floor range of any in the Premier League this season. There’s a world where I could see them snagging a top five, if not top four, spot on the strength of their studs: Adrian, Dmitri Payet, Enner Valencia, Andre Ayew. There’s also a world where Andy Carroll goes around London waving his man bun at anything with two arms and two legs, and the Hammers can’t quite handle the pressure of the move into their fancy new stadium, taking a lower half of the table result with them. Therefore, I’m just splitting the middle and picking them exactly halfway up the table. Call me chicken, it’s OK.
11) Everton
Another trendy team that I think everyone is going to be just a season too early on. They have talent for sure, and a solid head coach. Just seems like something is a hair off for this year. Like when you cook brownies for the first time using your own recipe, and it’s just not quite there. Prediction right now: Everton will be in the top six in 2017–18 and in the top four in 2018–19.
12) Crystal Palace
If these had been written a month ago, Palace was a prime “Pull a Leicester” candidate. They have a talented midfield with Yohan Cabaye and Andros Townsend, and a great coach in Super Alan Pardew. But I’ve played enough Fifa to know not to trust Connor Wickham as your lone striker.
13) Hull City
Predicting Hull to be in any spot other than a dumpster fire 20th is a bold prediction at this point, so 13th is borderline crazy. But their midfield is skilled as hell, and whenever everyone agrees on something, it’s a lock to go the other way. After a hellacious start, Hull is going to quietly creep up the back half of the standings to a relatively safe finish. I highly suggest putting your life savings on this…
14) Southampton
Of all the predictions here, this is the one I feel is most likely to burn me. Southampton loses players and coaches year-after-year but simply keeps rising in the table. Their youth academy is incredible and their ownership clearly knows what it is doing. That being said, I just can’t look at the talent on this team right now and not have them in the bottom half of the league.
15) Sunderland
I’ve always been a Sunderland apologist, so this might be a hair high for a club seemingly without a direction, but they are able to avoid the drop year-after-year. The Black Cats seem to have a little magic in their hat, and David Moyes loves to just do enough to avoid a true disaster.
16) Burnley
Gut call: Turf Moor lasts at least one more season in the Premier League thanks to a much more solid defensive spine than some of the other bottom feeders. Other than that, I don’t have much for you. They’re likely to lead the league in “Last match on Match of the Day” highlights this season.
17) Swansea City
The team seems to be headed in the complete wrong direction, selling off Ashley Williams and Andre Ayew is enough to send a midtable team to the bottom, and that’s before we even get to Eder and Bafatimbi Gomis, as well. This is my pick for most disappointing team of 2016–17. (It’s important to note that I’ve had a weird anti-Swans sentiment ever since Danny Graham and his stupid face played for them, so this may be biased.)
18) Watford
Watford plays in the Premier League.
19) West Brom Albion
Tony Pulis will do everything in his power — and I mean everything — to make sure this team avoids the drop, but I’m not sure he makes it to the holidays.
20) Bournemouth
Maybe the most fun relegation team you’ll ever watch. These dudes are going to go for broke every time they take the pitch, but sadly in a league as deep and talented as the Premier League, that’s going to burn you when you simply don’t have the funds to keep up.
Quick since those team previews were a bit wordier than originally planned:
Golden Boot: Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Manchester United
I’m already having nightmares about this.
Most assists: Joe Allen, Stoke City
The Welsh magic keeps chugging along.
Breakout star: Jordon Ibe, Bournemouth
Like I said, the problem with Bournemouth isn’t going to be its attack…
Fading star: John Terry, Corpse
This is the Pam and Roy’s “Longest engagement Dundie” of Premier League awards. In the words of Roy, “See you again next year.”
- This hurts me more than it hurts you. But picturing de Gea making a world class save, spinning and outleting to Luke Shaw on the flank, who finds Paul Pogba in the middle of the pitch, who sends an inch-perfect long ball over the top to Zlatan Ibrahimovic is about as terrifying as Wayne Rooney’s hair plugs. Plus, add Jose Mourinho to that spine and that’s trouble for everyone else in the Premier League. The good news is I can see the Mourinho Meltdown just two and a half years in the horizon. Right as Spurs core is hitting their peak…
