Starting IX Newsletter: Which MLB mascot would win a Battle Royale and each AL franchise’s THAT GUY
For those unfamiliar with the set-up — welcome! Here’s the scoop. Otherwise, let’s dive right in.
“One Final Imagination of the Baseball Hall of Fame” Pre-excerpts: AL Franchise THAT GUYs
Every city has a unique and beautiful relationship with their baseball team. Even the New Yorks, Bostons, and Philadelphias of the world have a very fitting relationship with the team that often speaks volumes about the ethos of the city itself — Boston: you’re one of us, or we hate you; Philadelphia: scrappy; New York: our asshole. Now, the perfect fit isn’t always going to be listed here (i.e. Chase Utley in Philly) because if the player qualifies for a higher floor, then I don’t want them sitting on the second floor simply because they connected with their fanbase well. This is the THAT GUY for each franchise that was especially beloved by the fans of his city. Now, this section comes with the warning/request that, although I have attempted to tap into every fanbase, I am not a diehard fan of all 30 teams. I would humbly request your feedback if you disagree with my selection, as this would be the best section of the Hall to crowdsource. Let me know who I got wrong. (Gently, please.)
We’ll get the players covered in Starting IX out of the way first, with at least a sentence on each, since I don’t want to rob any team of their THAT GUY entirely in this book.
This week we’ll cover the American League; next week the National League.
Boston Red Sox — Dustin Pedroia: A top floor Franchise THAT GUY. I’m pretty sure he’s how I got the idea for this entire wing of the new Hall.
Toronto Blue Jays — Tony Fernandez: An all-around underrated player, both in terms of his stats/impact, and as well as how beloved he was in Toronto.
Tampa Bay Rays — Evan Longoria: Every year at DRaysBay, the Rays-related blog for which I write, I set up a walk up music bracket. Longo won the first year with the song “Down and Out” by Tantric. Let’s just say it was the memories attached to the music far more than the actual music that led to that victory.
Chicago White Sox — Paul Konerko: Dude got a flippin’ statue outside the stadium before he retired.
Kansas City Royals — Salvador Perez: Endeared himself to the masses through his viral video clubhouse pranks and razzing.
Seattle Mariners — Alvin Davis: Mr. Mariner.
Texas Rangers — Michael Young: I’d be willing to bet there are still hundreds of Dallas Fort Worth residents who would take a bullet for Young.
Los Angeles Angels — Tim Salmon: Dude wrote a book called “Always an Angel.”
Ok, now a bit more time with those who weren’t covered in Starting IX:
New York Yankees — Don Mattingly: There are plenty of plenty of Yankees who likely jump to mind before Mattingly does, but those men all reside on higher floors of this Hall of Fame. Plus, “Donnie Baseball,” while not at the same playing level as many of those all-time legends, was nearly, if not more, loved than all of them. The “Hit Man” was the only Yankee able to tap into that little part in the back of Yankee fans’ brains that wanted them to be able to play an underdog card. Of course, they are the Yankees and would rightfully be laughed off the stage with any slight suggestion of underdog, but Mattingly was the one Yankee greats who made that thought even feasible.
Baltimore Orioles — Boog Powell: Boog (when your nickname is Boog, you don’t get the last name treatment) was one of those athletes who came to a city as a kid and did his growing up with the city, thus tying himself inextricably to Baltimore and the surrounding areas. As Boog tells it, he had all three of his children at Union Memorial Hospital, and even during the team’s heyday (Boog was there for the titles in 1966 and 1970), all the players held offseason jobs around town because the pay scale was so different. Boog held down a spot at the local liquor shop, which tells you just about everything you need to know. As Scott Christ put it for Camden Chat:
“Who is the most purely beloved player in franchise history? I think Boog has a shot there… a player like Boog Powell is a different type of beloved, I think. Here you have a big, gentle giant type of guy… He was a good guy, and of course you have Boog’s BBQ still. He’s an Oriole lifer. Cal, Brooks Boog have got to be the top three in this category. I don’t know in what order.”
We’ll be getting to Brooks and Cal in a few floors, so the choice is easy for now.
By the way, for those fans of the modern game who know that another Boog Powell made the majors in recent years with the Oakland A’s: No, that is not OG Boog’s son, but Younger Boog was indeed named after OG Boog. Not only have the two met, but Younger Boog hit the first home run of his career in Baltimore, and incredibly, the ball landed in the general direction of OG Boog’s BBQ stand just behind the Camden right field stands. Even crazier, it was not far from where Powell’s commemorative plaque is located. Ain’t life funny.
Detroit Tigers — Mark Fidrych: What an interesting man. He easily could have slotted on the third floor among the “What If” legends of the game, but he seemed a better fit right here, as nearly every Tiger fan between the age of 50 and 75 is going to tell you “The Bird” was his/her favorite player of all time. Fidrych began his career as a non-roster invitee at Tiger spring training in 1976. It wasn’t until May of 1976 that Fidrych made his first start. Yet, by the end of June, he was selling out stadiums and was arguably the biggest name in baseball. In 1976, he strutted his way to a 19–9 season (9.6 WAR) with a 2.34 ERA (159 ERA+), earning the AL Rookie of the Year award and finishing second in the Cy Young and 11th in the MVP. He drew attention not only with his spectacular numbers but also with his otherworldly antics on the mound. He would talk to the baseball, “manicure the mound,” turn down baseballs from the umpires — and the crowd ate up every bit of it. Injuries wrecked Fidrych’s career after that magical summer of `76, but he is still a Tiger God.
Minnesota Twins — Justin Morneau: It’s mandatory that one of the M&M Boys make it here, and since we’ll be discussing Joe Mauer a little later, it’s Morneau who gets the call here. If Mauer and Morneau were the modern (and poor man’s) version of Ruth and Gehrig, Morneau cuts an appropriate Gehrig to the outsize fame of Mauer’s Ruth in Minneapolis. Morneau had the briefer peak, as concussions really derailed what was at times a remarkable career. He earned the Twin City love with a 2006 MVP season and 221 long balls in Minnesota, each of which seemed to sent the home crowd into a tizzy.
Cleveland Baseball Team — Grady Sizemore: “The Italian Stallion” as nicknamed by a female friend of mine in high school, Sizemore provided excellent eye candy (forearms, butt) as well as a pretty sweet slash line (120 OPS+ in 892 games with Cleveland) during his time in Ohio.
Oakland Athletics — Dallas Braden: It kills me to put this Barstool comment of a human being in my Hall, but I’m trying not to be biased and A’s fans love this clown for some reason. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to be snarky and brief in this write-up.
Houston Astros — Jose Altuve: There’s something about being small that just makes one so lovable. That’s why it’s interesting that a lot of men who are vertically challenged end up with Napoleonic Complexes. We just want to love you! (Ohhhhh, it’s that sort of condescension that does it? Nevermind, I understand it entirely now.)
OOTP Year-by-Year Re-Simulation: 1915
We continue our trek through re-simulating each season in baseball history using Out of the Park Baseball 21, the most realistic baseball simulation game on the market.
MVP: Honus Wagner and Ty Cobb
Cy Young: Pete Alexander and Eddie Cicotte
All repeat winners here, so we’ve covered them. We’ll save some space in this lengthy enough newsletter by moving right along.
American League pennant winners: Boston Red Sox
National League pennant winners: Pittsburgh Pirates
The A’s reign of terror is over! Since this is not a running sim, but rather each season individually started and simulated for full roster context, the game knew about Connie Mack blowing up his team, as we covered last week.
As such, the A’s plummeted down the standings to seventh of eight in the AL, opening the door for not just a new AL pennant winner, but abandoning their run of six straight (OOTP sim) World Series titles.
However, it was indeed an American League team that won the title for the seventh straight time in the alternate universe.
World Series: Red Sox 4, Pirates 2
The Tris Speaker Red Sox hosted the Honus Wagner Pirates in this year’s World Series and prevailed in six, but it was a fun series to get there.
The Pirates had to head to Fenway to open the series, with the historic park in just its fourth season at the time. The friendly confines of Fenway actually favored the road team on this day, with star shortstop, Wagner, collecting three hits, including the game-winning single in the top of the ninth to give Pittsburgh the 5–4 win in Game 1.
What’s even crazier is that Pittsburgh really looked to have Boston on the ropes after Game 2. The Pirates marched into Fenway up 1–0 in the series and laid an 11–0 smackdown on Smoky Joe Wood and the Sox. Wagner had another three hits and collected five RBI and the series looked to be all but over as we headed back to Pittsburgh. However, the day off to hit the reset button really helped Boston, and it was Babe Ruth who took the mound and steadied the ship for Boston in Game 3, tossing a complete game and allowing just one run, while the offense produced enough to nab the 4–1 victory.
Game 4 ended up being basically the inverse of Game 2, as the road once again demolished the home nine, with the fans really getting little for their money this series, so far. Red Sox short stop Everett Scott led the way with four hits and three RBI, as the Red Sox spanked the Pirates, 10–0, to even the series at 2–2. However, Pittsburgh had the chance to re-take the series lead with yet another game at home.
Alas, it was not meant to be. Red Sox smooth-hitting left fielder Duffy Lewis put the Boston side ahead for good in the fourth inning, as Smoky Joe Wood rebounded from his tough Game 2 outing to capture Game 5 and set the Sox up for a clincher at home.
Game 6 was the best game yet. Ruth was on the mound for Boston, with 5–11 righty, George McQuillan toeing the rubber for Pittsburgh. The first four innings saw at least one run scored in each frame, with the tally sitting at 4–4 through four. In the bottom of the sixth, it was eventual series MVP Larry Gardner who drove in what proved to be the deciding run of the series on a single, as Ruth settled down after a bumpy start to toss a complete game victory and deliver a World Series title to Boston — their third of the re-sim so far.
“Starting IX” Excerpt: Mascot Battle Royale
This week we’ll turn to arguably the most absurd portion of my first book: A Battle Royale staring each team’s name come to life. So, imagine an island with Angels, Giants, Mariners, Pirates, etc., etc. and there can only be one winner. That’s the premise. It plays out even more absurd than you think.
All that is good and well, but now it’s time for the most absurd part of this book: THE TEAM NAME BATTLE ROYALE. The idea is simple, based on team name, which team would survive if all 30 were thrown in a “Battle Royale” style death match. With team names like Phillies and Reds, there will obviously have to be some finagling, but this is far from science at this point anyway. Let’s meet the players:
Inanimate objects: Red Sox, White Sox, Rockies
We’re going to be generous with some of these team names, but with these three, there’s just no way around it. Sorry, socks and mountains.
Logos/mascots instead of team names: Mets, Reds, Phillies
The Reds and Phillies aren’t really things, but in the case of the Mets and Reds they do have mustachioed men on their logo. In the Phillies case, they have the Philly Phanatic as a mascot, a big, green, fuzzy dude. All three are kind of sleeper picks to be honest. Especially Mr. Red: dude looks like he could throw down in fisticuffs.
Priorities, man: Brewers, Padres, Rangers, Mariners
It just doesn’t seem likely that these teams would have any skills that translate well to a Battle Royale. Cool professions, but not too useful here.
Gotta catch ‘em to kill ‘em: Rays, Marlins, Orioles, Blue Jays, Cardinals
The aquatic and aerial-based animals of the tournament probably wouldn’t get much killing done, but they’d be mighty hard to catch. Somewhat like the buddy of yours who, when you’re playing four-man Smash Bros., hangs out in the corner and lets everyone else kill each other off before joining the fray once there’s only one guy left. Yeah, that guy is the worst.
Useful professions: Dodgers, Athletics, Astros
Dodgers and Athletics both sound like they’re really hard to pin down for a while during this battle and are the human equivalent to the prior group of hard-to-catch animals. If the Astros have all their astronaut equipment, they might be downright impossible to catch.
Battle-tested: Yankees, Royals, Twins, Braves, Nationals, Pirates
The Yankees and Nationals helped get this country its freedom from Great Britain, while the Braves had the battle those same groups while having their land stolen from them. Yeah, U.S. history is weird. Anyone with a twin is definitely battle-tested, as they have a natural wrestling partner through youth, as well as a natural competitive spirit to top their fellow zygote. The Royals are a little fluffy since royalty never fight their own battles, but in many cases, the original lineage of royalty had to win their power through battle. The Pirates are definitely a sleeper pick, as they have experience on both sea and land. Plus, they are just bad ass as hell.
Dangerous animals: Diamondbacks, Tigers, Cubs
I would pay all $38 in my savings account to watch these three battle it out on Animal Planet.
The Favorites: Giants, Angels
Giants are huge. Angels can’t die. In fact, the Angels kind of seem unfair. Especially if they’re bad ass angels like in The Golden Compass.
Now let’s turn things over to Ken Burns, noted documentarian, who will be guiding us through this PUBG-style bloodbath.
Ken Burns: “The year was 2018. America was a country as divided as ever. Politics were inescapable. They appeared everywhere (even in books that were seemingly about baseball). The country was in need of some galvanizing event. In the 1940s, the nation turned its lonely eyes to Joe DiMaggio. In 2018, the country turned its craven eyes to an MLB Team Name Battle Royale.”
Ted Binkletown, Professor of American History at Yale: “The American climate was ripe for an event like the Team Name Battle Royale. There were protests and counter-protests across the country — it was only a matter of time before the country demanded to see whether a Diamondback or a Blue Jay could last longer in a survival match.”
KB: “Major League Baseball and Don King announced the event would take place on July 4, 2018, seemingly aware that this event would go on to be so important in American history that, in future years, we wouldn’t celebrate our nation’s independence on July 4, but rather we would memorialize the coming together Team Name Battle Royale that reunited our great nation.”
Allan Lane, Professor of Sociology at Stanford: “I remember when it was announced that they were going to clear out the entirety of Manhattan for three weeks to give the Team Name Battle Royale a location. I thought it was a bit rash at first, couldn’t they have used a slightly less populated location. But it turned out it didn’t matter, as the nation came to a stand still to watch this historic event.”
KB: “The event began with the ceremonial killing off of the Red Sox (inanimate object), the White Sox (inanimate object), the Rockies (inanimate object), and Cleveland (racism), with the remaining 26 teams given 24 hours to disperse across the borough of Manhattan. When the initial ceremony and dispersal had occurred, Kenny G played a saxophone solo that played across speakers of Manhattan to let participants know that the Battle Royale had begun.”
TB: “It wasn’t long before we had our first victim. The Royals, thinking that they would have servants fight for them were thoroughly mistaken. A Tiger came up and removed their faces one by one, netting the first kill of the match in devastating fashion.”
AL: “Once the rest of the participants witnessed the face removal of the Royals [there were screams across the borough televising the deaths for all] it really shook some of the mascots. The Cardinals flew straight out of the city, eliminating themselves from the competition, but saving face, quite literally.”
KB: “Utter chaos reigned over the first 24 hours of competition. It was a bloodbath in which the Giants stamped out the Dodgers, who simply couldn’t live up to their name. The Athletics and Mr. Met got into a nasty beat-down, drag-out fight, that gave the Angels enough time to come over and kill them both while they were distracted. The Mariners really lucked out when they caught the Rays on their boat, but the Rays flipped the script on the Mariners, stinging them to death before dying on the Mariners boat because they were out of the water for too long. The Yankees made an ill-fated alliance with the Twins, who, after the Yanks-Twins duo combined to take out the Philly Phanatic, turned on the Yankees, shivving them from each side while whispering, ‘This is for 2003. And 2004. And don’t forget about 2009–2010. And finally, 2017 says hello.’”
Mike Rithjin, from the network: “There were actually a surprisingly high number of mascot retaliations for real-life baseball events. The Tigers must’ve been feeling emboldened from their face-removal of their division rival, because they made a beeline for the Giants, circling and devouring the massive Giants in the first real upset of the Battle Royale. Afterwards, they proceeded to spell out ‘The true 2012 champions’ on the ground in Giant blood in a real Charlie Manson-type dick move. Of course, while they were celebrating, the Cubs snuck up and conquered the Tigers, shouting, ‘This is for 1935’ the entire time. The Tigers were confused and commented on how long ago that was. ‘People don’t forget,’ one Cub intoned before ripping a Tiger limb from limb.”
KB: “Meanwhile, out on the heavy seas, the Pirates were doing some serious work. First, they snagged and killed a Marlin, before noticing that a tired-out Blue Jay had landed in their crow’s nest. Since it is a crow’s nest and not a Blue Jays nest, the Pirates took care of business.”
Armando Christian Perez, 48th President of the United States: “I remember being impressed with the way the Padres and Brewers were handling their business. For the first few days, they simply stayed out of the fray, the Padres quietly worshipping in a SoHo bakery, while the Brewers tried to find the right recipe for a pumpkin spice IPA while holed out at the Stumptown Coffee Roasters on West 29th. Of course, those not-so-violent delights had violent ends, as the Padres were nabbed by a pair of Diamondbacks who smelled the bakery from miles away, and the Brewers were killed by the Angels for, in their words, ‘the sake of humanity.’”
AL: “Of course, while all this was happening, the Astros were off in a quiet corner at MoMA, quietly devising the plan that would end up changing the course of U.S. history.”
KB: “The next few days dragged by, with only one more elimination occurring by the end of the first week (the Rangers walked right across the Brooklyn Bridge after getting a bit too high one morning). With ten mascots remaining, we were down to the best of the best.”
Mike Rithnithin, still from the network: “All that changed with the infamous Nationals fat-shaming, of course.”
TB: “There are numerous accounts of how it went down, but the story I believe goes as such: The Angels were going around minding their own business, fully aware that they were the heavy, heavy favorites to win this event — basically no one else had a chance. but for some reason, when they bumped into the Nationals one afternoon, the Nationals decided to say the Angels looked fat in those halos.”
AL: “I have always believed it to be because of the Nationals’ deep-seated insecurities stemming from a severe inability to win in the playoffs.”
KB: “Whatever the cause, we all know the effect. The Angels went on a hellacious rampage. The Nats were the first to go, of course, but Mr. Red, the Braves, the Twins, and the Cubs were all wiped out in a matter of hours. The Orioles and Diamondbacks took a bit longer because of the difficulty finding them, and as we know now, those precious hours spent looking for the O’s and DBacks may have saved humanity.”
Ron Dump, Associate Professor of Economics at the University of New Mexico: “What the Astros did during this time was truly remarkable. In just over a week, they managed to make what appeared to be a functioning rocket ship from only the found pieces lying around MoMA. The level of sophistication was just astounding.”
KB: “Right as the Angels found the Orioles and Diamondbacks [huddled together in the Penn Station subway stops, next to a man playing the garbage can drums who had somehow gone unnoticed in the evacuation] and destroyed them, a sound erupted from 20 or so blocks north. The Astros, who had valiantly assembled a spaceship in hopes of escaping the Angels entirely, had failed in their mission. The spaceship had blown up, and the Angels saw the tragedy before their eyes.”
ACP: “It was at this exact moment that the Angels realized how senseless this whole thing was. The killing, the fighting, the bipartisanship. They found the only other team remaining, the Pirates, and offered them a peace treaty. The Pirates, because they weren’t idiots, accepted. The committee running the event accepted the Peace pact, mostly out of fear of what they had created by bringing real, live Angels on to planet earth. The Angels and the Pirates stood today in front of Congress and professed a need to come together and put together their differences at this moment. They talked Nancy Pelosi and Newt Gingrich into hugging each other. They convinced Paul Ryan and Chuck Schumer to have a romantic candlelit dinner together. Whether these Democrats and Republicans came together out of true unity, or if they did so out of a binding fear of a 38-foot Angel walking across U.S. soil, the world may never know.”
KB: “What we do know, however, is that the MLB Team Name Battle Royale will forever be remembered as the most important event in the history of the United States of America.”
Who Is This Player?
Answer at the end of the newsletter (I’m debating formats here, so feedback on how easy/difficult this section is would be appreciated)
Pop Culture Recommendation of the Week
If you spend any amount of time online, you undoubtedly are at least familiar with via meme, but far more likely, you are obsessed with I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson. Here’s one meme you might have seen:
Well, if you liked that show and somehow didn’t dig into the back catalog of Robinson and his best friend, Sam Richardson, let me be the first to tell you: Go start watching Detroiters on the Comedy Central app right now. It’s amazing and very similar humor to ITYSL.
Keep You On Your Toes
This week’s option for giving is Seeding Sovereignty, an Indigenous-led collective, that works to radicalize and disrupt colonized spaces through land, body, and food sovereignty work, community building, and cultural preservation.
Quiz Answer
We breezed right past this player in the 1915 re-sim, so hopefully you do indeed know enough about him, it’s: Grover Cleveland Alexander, but known as Pete Alexander, one of baseball’s first aces.
Remember to follow along here on Medium for the first few months before I move to the actual email newsletter format.
Feel free to reach out to Jim.Turvey21@gmail.com for any feedback or inquiries.
